Am I addicted to the rush of sexual energy?

I’ve been living in solitude on a farm for the last month, and haven’t really seen nor spoken to any men (that haven’t been above 50) for that same amount of time, which has actually been very relaxing and peaceful. However it wasn’t till four young blokes came to help with some sheep work yesterday, that I realised how much I’d missed feeling that buzzing, exciting and “getting red cheeks” feeling, that I often get when I find myself surrounded by young and attractive men.

I was supposed to help them tail docking some little lambs, though luckily they didn’t need my help (seeing as I’m not the roughest and toughest of women when it comes to animals), and so I simply just stood there patting the sheep dog Caine, while watching them do their thing. Blood came dripping down onto their big and hairy arms and hands as they tagged holes in the ears of the lambs, while chatting about football and sex. I felt myself feeling both a little repulsed and yet very attracted to the roughness of their “cave-men” behavior, and couldn’t really take my eyes off their big “I play a lot of rugby” looking bodies working fast and confidently.

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Every time I’d lock eyes with this one guy in particular, who had these deep brown eyes, I felt myself turn pink, and had to catch my breath as to not start giggling like a little school girl. Feeling all feminine and fairy-ish I walked around in my dirty riding clothes smelling the leaves of the pine tree and plucking daisies off the grass, while the calls of a hundred sheep filled the air. I’d sometimes walk back to see if I could be of any help, which I mostly couldn’t, and then walk away again with a cheeky thought of wanting to be seduced by the young man with the bloodiest arms.

I started smiling to myself, as I fully enjoyed the energy that was flowing through my body, making me feel alive and vibrant in the spring sun, while my mind started filling itself with romantic and sexual thoughts. I was sitting on the back of the truck, when they all came over to wash their hands and arms with the antiseptic stuff that was standing next to me, and by watching the “bloodiest arm guy” trying to wash himself clean, I found myself wanting to reach over and touch his filthy arm… But I didn’t, because that would’ve been bit weird I reckon, and I’m not THAT impulsive!

Anyway.. They all said their goodbyes except for one, who asked me if I wanted to keep him company while slaughtering some sheep for dogfood. “Hah. Naaa, I don’t think so. I reckon’ I’m gonna go for a ride“, I politely told him with my new-found kiwi accent.

That same night I spoke to my mother on the telephone and told her all about my day, and of the looks and sizes of these South Island country boys. She laughed with me, and I could tell she was smiling as she said, “It must’ve felt so good to feel a bit feminine and womanly, surrounded by all those men.” And oh yes, it sure did! I love feeling like a woman. I love feeling all feminine and slippery and nymph-ish. It makes me feel alive and beautiful. It makes me feel sexual.

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Feeling feminine. Like a woman.

So to get back to this bloody arm scenario..  Is it just me, or is it in every womans nature to get turned on and attracted by the “cave-man” attitude??

I’ve never thought blood was sexy until yesterday. Well.. it’s not really sexy, but I guess it looked hot, because I subconsciously associated it with something rough. Or maybe I just dig blood, ha ha. Whatever the cause, it made me think.. What is it about warriors, fighting and strenght that I like? Why do these really masculine men attract me so much? What is it about big men, with big noses and big arms that gets me excited?

First off I think it’s a natural instinct that lies within me and probably a lot of other women too. An instinct that says; Here’s a big man who can protect me. Here’s a man that’ll be able to provide for me. Here’s a man that’s strong. Here’s a man that’ll give me healthy babies.. Ergo – here’s someone I could surrender to. Secondly I just feel very feminine in the company of a masculine man, which makes me feel beautiful and elegant, and very much like a cat in heat.

images (3) It was truly a nice experience to feel like a floating mermaid with big seductive puppy eyes and a wild mane of hair, wanting nothing more than to be looked at by the dangerous, yet amazingly appealing hunter. It made me realise how much I love feeling like a feminine woman and of how much I love flirting – just to get that rush of sexual energy.

 

As I lay in bed last night several thoughts popped into my mind.

1. I really like blokey blokes sometimes.
2. I love embracing my femininity and feeling like a woman.
3. Am I addicted to the rush of sexual energy?

My sexual energy can be very strong sometimes, and I freaking love feeling it overwhelm me with its presence, as it makes me feel high. I don’t have to act on it, and actually enjoy not acting on is, as it stays within me for a longer time, filling me with happiness and bubbles. So I’m definitely not a sex-addict. But I sometimes find myself creating a sexual energy with someone, just to get my fix, and then when I don’t feel the energy anymore I happily move on, leaving whoever I felt the connection with, with a feeling of “I thought we just shared something special.” So yes, I think I am a sexual energy addict. And then I wonder.. Is that a bad thing to be addicted to?

I guess it’s better than nicotine.


Loving smiles,

Theresa Johanne

 

 

 

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